you really should ask them how you feel

Hi all, 

It has been a very long time since I've came back to this. Initially, I made this blog page because I wanted to document my life at university. As you guys can see, that didn't really happen, and it is quite ironic how I am revisiting this page at the end of my university life. I lost commitment and I lost interest. There had been moments during those 5 years, where I wanted to write something about my life and the way I feel. I made new blog pages, new website. However, I never really wanted to do that for my own sake. I wanted to write so that I can become famous, and I can be inspiring for others. I came back here hoping to inspire others but I'm also doing it to express who I am, and this time I've decided to put more effort into it. I was going to delete all my previous posts and start afresh, but in the end, I've decided to keep them as they are inherently a part of myself and reflect on who I am back then. 

I admit that I have changed in some way and, of course, with life, there will always be good changes and bad changes. Instead of naming those changes, I would like to demonstrate them slowly through each and every one of my stories. Instead of just telling you guys who I want to be and who I think I am, I want you all to get to know me through what I've done, how I live, how I think and how I feel. I hope you all will have an enjoyable read and I'm looking forward to you guys revisiting my stories every now and then.

 Today, I would like to talk about something that happened since yesterday. Last night, my workplace, Ted Baker, decided to have a group meeting where we discuss about our lives and look after each other for R U OK day. It was a really light-hearted meeting, we talked about the little things that guided us through COVID-19 and played games to build our relationship. There was a game that really enlightened me, it was called "We're just friends". It is a game where prompts are set up and each person will be asked some sensitive, deep, or meaningful questions. If anyone is interested, then you will find it through this link: https://werejustfriends.online/. 

A question that really got to me last night was "Have you ever told someone I love you but didn't mean it? If so, why?'. As soon as I saw this question, I had an answer in my head. Unlike most people, this wasn't really about any romantic partners I had in the past. For me, this was about my mother. My mother left me at a very young stage and, from what I remember, she didn't really treat me well. As I was growing up, she did try to amend our relationship by looking out for me, caring for me and asking me to hang out. I really appreciate her for doing that and I also try my best to do as many things as I can with her. Often, my mom would tell me "I love you" in Chinese. In the beginning, I didn't really know how to handle it and I pretended I didn't hear it and moved forward with our conversations. As I grew up, I've learnt how hard it is for my mother and how she probably feels guilty about not being a part of my upbringing. I was aware of it, and I started to actively say "I love you" to her. For me this was probably the hardest words I've said because I felt very guilty about it, however, I wanted to give my mother validation of her efforts and fulfil my duties as a child. 

My workmates were shocked by my response, but they were being accommodating by not diving too deep into the story. Sensibly enough, Erica asked me how I understood the feeling of love. This was a relatively hard question for me because I haven't felt much love when I was growing up. There was never any woman growing up with me as my household was surrounded by men, and, as you would expect, men don't really know how to express their emotions. I wouldn't dare say that I wasn't loved but I never really felt it. My definition of love is "the willingness to care and commit unconditionally". I explained why I can't love my mother is because I can't commit unconditionally. I've tried to do it before, but no matter how hard I try, I felt that there was a voice in my head that reminds me that she never considered me during her divorcement. This voice could also be subjected to the brainwashing my dad did when I was growing up, but I am going to save that for another day. 

After the meeting, I did do some research about what love is. Google said that "Love is a set of emotions and behaviours characterised by intimacy, passion, and commitment." To some extent, I would agree. It is such an intense emotion that makes you want to care, protect, trust, commit, sacrifice, and feel for someone. I think the most important thing is that you are doing this for someone, and you are willing to put yourself behind these priorities. 

As important as the act of loving someone, I think it is also very important that we should let them know that they are loved, especially for kids and your partner. This isn't limited to the feeling of love, I think we should also ask people how they feel. Many people are not willing to express their emotions because they think they lose a part of themselves. However, what they should realise is that, in the process of exchanging emotions,  the void from expressing their feelings is made up by the attention from the people they care about. This is idea behind R U OK day,  we should look out for people who we care about and also people who care about us. We should also be doing this everyday in the future. Anyways, that is all I like to say for today as I have other responsibilities that I need to fulfil. Thank you for taking your time and hope you have a happy and easy-going life.

Sickness

You reach a point where you become so sick of everything. You no longer take any interests in once you hold there. Once there was a girl sitting next to you and you can't resist to swing your eye across. Once you wanted to be free, and now you just want to find your own space and remain confined within it. Once you hoped for change, but now all you want to do is sit still and hoping that everything is stagnant.
There are two type of sickness that leads to this type of mentality:
- the sickness due to abundance: you have everything but then you realise that everything you have means nothing
-the sickness due to shortcoming: you have nothing but you tried to get things but in the end all your attempts where denied and you are too exhausted to take another step
I suffer from latter one. But, what's really frustrating is that although i suffer from this illness. My heart aches from my incompetence and aches from the hopeful envisage i had. But what can I do? Is someone gonna come out and hold you hands and tell you this is your new home? Is someone gonna come out of nowhere and tell you I'll find you a place where you can be comfortable by yourself?
Well, no. Life doesn't work like that. Or more like, it didnt work like that for me. Here is what life is like for me. I happen to be a builder. Just a builder with no understanding of architecture but I'm just trying to build a shed just for me. What happened is that I did build a shed, but it looks shit. But i was happy with it. I was happy until someone knocked it down, saying how hideous it is. Because, they tell you that life doesnt approve it, so you must change your mindset and live life.
It made me more confused about life in general and reminded me about that time i wrote the poem on eternity back when i was 16. I did it out for fun and love. I thought it was stupid for someone to be sick of life. But, i understand now. Life is pretty miserable. It loves giving people hope, but at the same time it loves taking away hope and fortune from them.
Let's take this example of a gambler:
He goes into the casino with half of his fortune. He gambles but all he does is lose. But life gives him hope, life shed light and allows him to win that last sum of bread he has. That last sum allowed him to win more than his fortune and it was the salvation of his life. But you think that life ends there right? But it really doesnt. Because with that sparkle of hope, he wants more. He becomes greedy and with that life robs everything from him.
Life is just sad. Sadness upon sadness bears its foundation.

How and Why

People tend to ask too many why and in the end they forgot to understand the what elements that need to be taken care of. This is the problem with our society. People tend to be too fixated in analysing everything.
This is especially irritating when we need to face children. It would not be surprising for every parent to complain about the bombardment of Why's kids ask. We forgive them because they are children and they do not have sufficient that forms the basis to see how things work. But, if it was for someone beyond that stage, you will hate that constant questioning of why.
This is a struggle between the dichotomy: theory and practicality. Theory is our pursuit for knowledge, where the most plausible solution is made from assumptions. I would not argue against the importance in pursuing knowledge however, there extensive focus on why things happen is what truly boils my love. Why I say this? Well, I am a tutor. My students tend to many why do i have to take this step. Some of the questions are equivalently trivial to asking why does 1+1=2.
I believe that knowing how is more important then the why. Reason can be found from the basic principle of science. Where does scientific principles come from? Constantly question why this happen? Partly, but this could not be done without observations, which is the how. Science is an act of bringing a why into a how. They don't just start with a why. And even, in science, many things don't have a reason nor an explanation to it. But, we shouldn't question it. If we do, then we are going to introduce an arbitrary system to humanity.

Room for talk

It's hard talking to people these days. People have grown up, transition from the small pond of high school to the ocean of university. This transition makes it difficult for people to associate with each other I guess. People become busier and if we seek entertainment and amusement then we look to the younger one, still struggling with high school. But they have no interest in talking to us older ones because they think we are another league. The young ones leave no room for the older colleagues. If we look to the older ones, they barely even look at us. They see as immature beings, knowing nothing about our own place, nothing about the worlds place and it's cruelty. They leave no room for us too. So here we are left alone, confined within the walls of our own intellect and arrogance. We are slowly becoming claustrophobic.

Welcome to forever

I'll welcome you to forever because eternity is what people aspire to. But then nothing last forever not even our own memories which is sad. I want my past to last forever but they don't and they become memories and memories die with age. It's a shame.

I decided perhaps if I am able to record every good or sad moments which I find amusement in then I could preserve it forever. But at the same time I must move forward because a man without a future is useless.

Looking forward to the future.